Wednesday 25 May 2016
"Hello there chum "Bill says to me
"Hi "I say
"Look a candle "Bill tells me
"Cool " I exclaim as the flame flickered and then went because a rock monter blew it out.
"Nooooooooooo I will get revenge " I yell and then jump into Volkswagen punch buggy and drive away into the sunset.
(Boom)
"Look the giant rock monster " Bill tells me
As we go to him we blow him up with bazooca.
"Cool guys don't look at explosion " I sing
"We did it " bill says excited
"Ya we dun did it " I say
"You down for chicken wings." Bill asks
"Oh ya."
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What? Your story is very confusing. I think you need A LOT of editing. For example, why do you need revenge just because a candle went out. Your audience/readers cannot jump inside your head and see what you're thinking. You need to write it clearly on the page so that we can understand.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to add your fourth and fifth line together because you don't need to start a new line if you are still speaking. Instead of "ya" I think you should say "yeah" since the one you used isn't necessary a word, but a type of slang. You also may want to add periods at the end of your sentence. But other than that, great start!
ReplyDeleteYour missing a bunch of punctuation through out your story. You also don't need spaces between the end of your sentence and the end quotation mark. Your story is very choppy and doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
ReplyDeleteWhy was there a volkswagen inside and try to use better words then just SAid. and why is there a rock monster in the middleof nowhere.
ReplyDelete