Wednesday 11 May 2016
The turtle on the beach
"What a beautiful day " said frow yo
"ya it is beautiful " I say back.
"Look a turtle " I tell frow yo
"cool " he says. All of the sudden a stair case pops out of no where and squishes my friend to bits.
"Brother " he says as that's his last words.
"See yay later alligator, I feel something tingling, my people need me" so I go up the stairs then Indiana Jones music plays.
... Later
"I made it " I say then this guy kicks me in the face. I'l never let go.
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ReplyDeleteNames should be capitalized, and you need either a comma or a period after you have dialog. And your doesn't really make sense, because I don't get how a stair case could come out of nowhere and squish someone, so you may want to read over your story a couple of times. But other than that great start!
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ReplyDeleteI like it but it's kinda confusing and I don't think u need to have Indian Jones music playing
ReplyDeleteYour story is hilarious good job
ReplyDeleteI like your story but its a little confusing and you need to say yeah instead of ya and you need to say you not yay and you need to add more periods because its a really long sentence.
ReplyDeleteYou say "I feel something tingling" while talking it doesn't make sense.
ReplyDeleteYou're missing a few capitals here and there throughout your story, and you have spaces where they aren't needed. I do like your story though, it has a lot of great humour!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tinker Bell. I like the humor of your story but you need to take time and edit your story with a parent or older sibling. But great job!
ReplyDeleteWhen you say I'll never let go you use one L instead of two.
ReplyDeleteAnd it looks like when you feel something tingling your saying that instead of thinking it.